(AUDIENCE CHEERING) London! London! London. London. There’s only one London in the world except for all the other ones, which is really annoying. CouIdn’t there just be one? Thank you very much. But we were called Londinium by the Romans. And we said, ”No, we’re not gonna do that. ”We’re gonna change some of the vowels at the end and then just put them… ”Because we want the ‘ondon’ sound.” And I think that’s what we’re most attached to. When I think of London, I think of the ”ondon,” the same o-n-o-n bit at the end. And we have no songs. There’s no songs. Well, there’s one song for London. But we should have a song that… ‘Cause there’s American songs. # New York… New York… Chicago… And Chicago… San Francisco… # You know. But we should have one that reflects, I think, London vibrancy and London fuck-offness. # London, London Why don’t you all fuck off? # But come and spend your money Come around and spend your money # Have a good time then fuck off Then come back on Tuesday # At half past three ‘Cause we need some cash just then # Then fuck off, come back, fuck off, Come back, fuck off, come back # (AUDIENCE CHEERING) I think that’s… (CHEERING STOPS) That is the CD that’s on sale in my trousers. It’s a standard beginning of any show, that, all the way up Shaftesbury Avenue, except for every other theater. (VOCALISING)
Tonight… Tonight I thought I’d talk about everything that’s ever happened in the world. And the critics… I said this. Critics said, ”No, you’re not.” ”Of course I’m not.” And they said, ”All right.” And I said, ”Why the fuck did you say, ‘No’?” And they went, ”’Cause we’re critics.” And then we all met in a dark alleyway and we slapped each other. But… No. ‘Cause you people, you people here tonight, you are the thinking people. You have to be. If you’re going into theaters, if you’re going into these kind of things… Bill, Bill Bailey, most of the theaters. The musicals are slightly different. It’s not that they’re not thinking, but they’re more, # ”Yeah. There’s chickens on the… Throw them a rope, bring them a banjo # ”They’ll live forever as chickens with banjos and ropes” # You know. And people go, ”Yeah, I love that one, whatever they’re talking about.” And they all get married and have sex in trees. And they’re… There’s more of a… A visceral ride, emotional ride, something. But this… This, you have to be thinkers. You have to be thinkers out of the box or at least lid thinkers to come here. I think you have to be lid thinkers. You could have been dragged and you might be an in-the-box thinker going, ”Oh, my God, what’s he talking about? What’s all this?” But, yes, out-of-the-box thinkers who make up stuff like, ”Look, we could put spoons and they could run space.” And people say, ”What is that sentence you said there?” ”Okay, the sentence didn’t make sense.” ”We could put spoons… We could have spoons and they could run, ”I don’t know, out of the box.” And there’s lid thinkers saying, ”Well, we can see Jeff. He’s out of the box. ”And it’s an interesting idea. ”Maybe we’ll join him, maybe we’ll stay here.” Then there’s in-the-box thinkers going, ”I’ve got a ladder. ”Could I see the out-of-the-box thinkers?”
Anyway. So, tonight, tonight we’ll talk with the use of Wikipedia, which has taught me so many things that I didn’t know and neither did you. Wikipedia has pages on everything. There’s almost nothing… Well, there was one thing I looked up and I couldn’t find, but I can’t remember what it is, so it probably doesn’t matter. Everything is in Wikipedia. Run by Mr and Mrs Wikipedia, who live in a toilet somewhere. They have no money, you know. I have… This is an image I have with… They do everything with torches, (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) old-fashioned torches, which are only used in treasure films now. ”Treasure’s down here, sir.” (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) ”You need one of these.” ”Oh, yeah.” There’s always about 12 of them. ”One for you. For the kids. For your wife. (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) ”Who is that? It’s Patrick. Do you want one? ”That’s a Zoom ice lolly.” The Zoom ice lolly, the closest we in the United Kingdom have got to the Moon. I remember licking the Zoom ice lollies, all three colours, thinking, ”We’re almost there, boys. We’re almost at the Moon.” But, no, we were almost at the ice lolly stage of the Moon landing. And we would finish the… And they’re still… Are they still on sale? Can you still get the Zoom? Ah! You see? It was still… It’s still wishful thinkment. Wishful… Wishful thinkment. Wish fulfilment. Wishful thinking. Wishful thinking and wish fulfilment is wishful thinkment, if combined. It was good, wasn’t it? The ’70s. From an ice lolly perspective. (LAUGHING)
Yes, yes, so the Wikipedia people. And it’s stuff on everything. And you used to have arguments. How do you make… How do you make spoons, Jim, Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people. How do you make them? And if no one knew, you’d go, ”Ah, fuck it.” And you wouldn’t go, ”I’ll join a library. ”I’ll join a library and I’ll get a library card after six months. ”And then I’ll look up spoons.” No, you wouldn’t. You’d just… You’d just give up then. But now we’ve got Wikipedia, we look up spoons. And you’d probably get bored within three lines, if you notice. It goes, ”Spoons were made from…” Within three lines, you’re going, ”Helicopters, helicopters… ”They took over the world… Chickens… Chickens drive helicopters. ”Alligators…” You know. And you can just keep going until you get to one and you click on it and it says, ”There is no page for this person.” And you think, ”Why did you put them in blue?” Don’t put them in blue and have no page. Just don’t put them in blue. We have been trained, like Pavlov and his dogs. Pavlov would train his dogs. Yes, still applause for Mr Pavlov. What a scientist. # What a scientist. What a guy # Make a pavlova with only paws # ”That’s a bit of crap.” ”We’ve got no thumbs.”
Cake mix when I was a kid was a brilliant thing. You’d make a cake for your mum and… The cake, with a big, wooden spoon. And then you put that thing all in the bowl and they said you could lick the spoon. And you went, ”Oh, my God. This was fantastic. ”Wow, what are we doing with that? ”This is just… This is good. This is ready.” And then they’d take that, they’d put it in an oven and it would come out less good. It was… Wasn’t it? It’s not just me. It was genius before it went in and it came out, you know, (EXCLAIMING DESPONDENTLY) fine, but you have to put more stuff on it to make it back to this stuff. Just don’t put it in. And then when I was a student, I was sitting there… Well, it was before… It was after I was a student. I was unemployed for an entire year and I lived in Islington and I watched telly. For a year, literally. Really. Seriously. And I got encyclopaedic on the Australian daytime soap operas. And I was watching The Sullivans, which would come on about a family where, ”We’re going to go to war soon.” And that’s all I remember. And they got on well, lots of fighting. And I made… I thought, ”I’ll make some of this.” ‘Cause it just seemed really cheap. So… I was estimating margarine, sugar. And then I just made the whole bowl and sat there watching The Sullivans, eating. And I died. I actually… They had to pump me, you know. Cake was coming out of my ears. It makes a cake. Once it’s in there, the juices make a cake. And you’re going, ”Can you… Can you get it… There’s cake coming out of my ears.” So, that’s how I remember it. I phoned the police using the old phone, (MIMICKING DIALLING) which used to take for hours. Why do they put 999 right at the end of the dial? Our emergency services, 999. ”He’s dying.” ”I’m phoning.” (MIMICKING DIALLING) ”His leg has come off.” ”I’m doing it. I can’t remember how many I’ve done now.” (MIMICKING LINE DISCONNECTING) Why not 111? What bright spark didn’t go to 111? (MIMICS RAPID DIALLING) ”Come, come now. Okay. Cool.” That’s it.
So, Wikipedia. Yes. On the very sexy computers. With, like, the Macintosh computer. I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. And you open it up and… In the old days, porn would take forever to download. Do you remember that? Friends tell me. Friends who can spell ”porn.” Well, it was… That picture would come up. And you go, ”This is cat porn. This is a picture of a cat.” The picture’s a picture of a cat. But nowadays you’re just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up. ”Would you like a software update?” And you go, ”Yeah. ”Yeah, I’d like one of those.” It’s like a latte thing. ”Yeah, why not?” And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download. Four minutes to download. Three minutes to download. Nine minutes to download. Two minutes to download. Seven hours to download. Six seconds to download. A light-year to download. And then it starts asking questions like, ”Will you sign a new agreement with iTunes?” And I’ve signed many agreements with iTunes. I don’t know what they want from me any more. Surely, they know I agree with them. I’m just… I’m there, you know? Why do they keep checking like I’m gonna go away? ”No, I no longer agree with you.” We all agree. And they’ve made us liars. You can’t say to children, ”Don’t lie.” ”Well, you said you’ve read the terms and conditions, didn’t you?” No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world. No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it wrote it like this. It could say anything in there. ”We will take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.” ”Yes.” ”Set fire to your hedges.” ”Why not?” ”Put your knee in a sling.” ”Yeah, gimme the…” ‘Cause you’re in ”go” fever at that point. ”Come on, give me the update.” ‘Cause it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete. You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the… Update, ”Yes.” And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life. Whether they want to come or not. But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is, basically, getting ready to go to the seaside with your bucket and spade, the engine on, and your dad says, ”Come on, everyone out of the car.” ”What? Where we going? Where we going? Where we going?” ”Everyone back in the car.” ”Back in the car? We just got out.” (MIMICKING ENGINE ROARING) ”What the fuck was that?” So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying. If you have a PC computer, I think it’s a similar thing. You press the on button and then there’s a crank. You have to crank it. And then they get contact and they spin the propeller and you get in. (MIMICKING ENGINE THROBBING) ”Come on, the PC’s going.” And then you put on a 78 record. Move the horn around. (MIMICKING MUSIC PLAYING) Caruso sings the update. # ”Your PC is updated” #
I’ve worked out that opera is just being… If you… If you… You either learn opera or you can just get a microphone and go… (MIMICKING OPERA MUSIC) # I’m going out down here I don’t know what I’m talking about # It’s rich people watching large people being shaken by small people. (VOCALISING) And also, the words should not be clear. # ‘Cause I’m going to go to the toilet # That’s not opera. Opera is… # I’m going to go to the toilet # And I never had a bath in there # Give him his marching papers # Send him to the chemist for tea tree oil # If you got that. And the women sing crazy. They’re so high. (SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE) It’s like cats outside your window. (CONTINUES SINGING) (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”Ow! I’m not a cat. Fucking hell.” (CONTINUES SINGING) ”Tea tee oil!” # I’m going to give you tea tree oil I’m the chemist # Bloody tiring this way. But there are some songs which are faster. (FAST-PACED VOCALISING) # Figaro, Figaro Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro # What the fuck did he do? Did he eat something? What, has he got a bad leg? I know his first name. Continue. # Figaro, Figaro, Figaro Stevens # Went to the pub, went to the pub Figaro Stevens went to the pub # Went to the pub and read a French newspaper # So, I’ve Iearnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. If you’re very reIigious, then it’s not 4,500 miIIion years oId. It’s 6,000 years oId. One of these is not correct. Using simple logic here. Now the science boys, they got anoraks, they got gIasses, they got Bunsen burners and petri dishes. I’ve gotta go with them because they can bend gIass, if they heat it up, you know. And sodium chIoride and potassium permanganate makes potassium pomongadonkey. What was the one that was… (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) Was that one. And all that stuff that we did. And then, if you’re religious, the religious boys, they’ve got a book. And… Some…some…some really interesting stuff in there, good stories in the book. I mean, I think a lot of the people in there are true. I think it’s oral history. It’s been… Stuff in there’s true and there’s slavery in there. Hmm. Maybe crime against humanity there. In a good, moral book. Maybe it shouldn’t be in. Maybe the editor should have put a line through ”how to sell your daughter.” Don’t you think one of the popes would have thought, ”We could… Could we? ”You know, we’re dumping a lot of these books. Couldn’t we just cross out ”the slavery bit and pretend it never happened?” They left it in, till now. It’s still there. It makes me think there isn’t a God. I… ‘Cause I used to be an agnostic and now I’m an atheist. I’m all for spirituality and I think there’s a lot of religious people who’ve got a certain something. And I believe in us. I don’t believe in God. I believe in us, human beings. But if God was there… Thank you, one person. If God was there, I think the first line of the Bible should be, ”It’s round. ”Looks flat, but it’s round. Yeah, it spins. ”It’s like a big football, but… Oh, it’s very complicated. ”Imagine you’re an ant on a football and you’re spinning, but you can’t feel it.” Shit, shit, shit. ”Sorry about the slavery. Couldn’t get the staff. ”They seemed to like it.” Shit. All right, forget this bit. Right. ”In the beginning was the Word.” Don’t you think… If there was a God, don’t you think he would have flicked Hitler’s head off? Don’t you think? You know. ”Oh, I’m not allowed to do anything.” ”Well, fuck off then.” If you’re not allowed to do anything then what’s the use? Just piss off, and stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays. ”Please, could you possibly mumble positive things towards me on a Sunday ”in the coldest buildings you can find? ”Please, get some of your senior citizens to wear cakes on their heads. ”And to mumble ridiculously positive things about me.” No. He should have just flicked Hitler’s head off. Hitler would have been going, ”I will kill them. I will tank them. I will tear them apart. ”I will bomb them. I will kill them.” That’s a hint, you know, for a bit of intervention, isn’t it? And then he’d just give him a… (MIMICKING THUDDING) And the Nazis would be going… (EXCLAIMING) (LAUGHING) ”What other leader can do that? ”Shit. That’s not supposed to happen, is it? ”Okay. Let’s just go. ”Let’s just go.” And somebody… It might have happened while someone, some other Nazi, was in the toilet coming out, ”What happened, ”what happened? I heard. I heard a big shout. ”Oh, look! ”How does he do that? Wow, he really is the leader. ”Oh! ”Do you want to come back to my place? We’II have coffee.” Could have been the end, but, no, he didn’t do it. So, yes, 4,500 million years ago I do believe our Earth started with a ”place your bets” type of spinning thing. And then we turn up, human beans, five million years ago. Why the big pause, as the man in the pub said to the bear? Or why the long pause, as the man in the pub said to the bear? The bear said, ”I got it stuck in a lift door.” I’m not telling jokes. I’m just fucking around with the idea. It’s the pause I’m interested in. ‘Cause it is a big one. Have you noticed? 4,500 million years minus five million years is 4,495 million years of nothing. Well, there was stuff. There was… (MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES) I thought dinosaurs ruled the worId all that period, but no. They were around for 200 million years. So, we’ve been five, they’ve been 200. And they weren’t even ruling because if they were ruling, on the Steven Spielberg movies, we’d see the dinosaurs were going… (MIMICKING ROARING) ”You can go away. ”You can stay. And you, I like you. And you, I can smeII. ”You smeII of sandwiches. ”You can come, ’cause I… Rumpy-pumpy. ”And Iet’s eat him.” That would be dinosaurs ruIing the Earth, but I noticed from the fiIms that they seem to just get up in the morning and go… (ROARING) With a look of… Not bright as a button, you know. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. And they just go around eating and pooing each other all day, for 200 miIIion years! Come on, that’s not a god making that. If God did that, his chiIdren would be crazy. And I think if he did eXist, he had many chiIdren. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That’s just Iogic. That’s just mathematicaI. And Tease-sus would aIways be fucking about. Pizz-sus does delivery. Caes-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus. City in Turkey. Bee-sus was covered in something. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Some people appIauding there, other people going, ”What?” ”Bee-sus was covered in bees?” But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, just wandering around. No dinosaur poetry. Not cIever. They weren’t going, ”I wandered IoneIy as a cIoud over hiII and vaIe ”And I saw a small… And ate him. ”And then I ate… And then I pooed him out. And that was nice. ”What a day.” They didn’t go to church. No dinosaur churches. Very few dinosaur vicars going, ”Welcome…” ”Thank you very much. ”Hello. Hey. ”Excuse me.” ”Welcome to today’s service. We will now sing Hymn 409, ”All Things Bright and Beautiful. ” # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # (GROWLS) # All things wise and wonderful # They don’t live on the planet at the moment # That scene did not happen. Yeah, so not clever. I think most of the dinosaurs were not clever from what I can tell. The raptors do seem quite clever. Smaller, about our size. They seem to be able to break into rooms. Work locks, do computer stuff, download raptor porn. (EXCLAIMING) And then run away and not pay. They could almost pass for us. You put a little porkpie hat on a raptor, and it almost looks like a human being. ”Is this your car, sir?” ”No.” ”Do you realise how fast you were going?” (CHUCKLING) ”I was very busy.” ”You were going a million miles an hour.” ”Oh, really? Is that over the…over the thing?” ”Yes. The limit is 30 miles an hour.” ”Oh? That’s..lawful” ”I was very busy.” ”Well, can you show me your documents?” (MUMBLING) ”Good afternoon.” ”I can’t…” ”It’s a raptor! Get me a dustbin lid! ”It’s a fucking raptor! Run! Run! No, stay, chase him, something.” The raptors. And then we turn up. The human beings of this world, we turn up 5 million years ago. And that, I think, is the point where we started to walk erect. And I think it must have been a gradual period. I don’t think we could have just gone… (EXHALING QUICKLY) ”Oh, this is better. ”I don’t know why we didn’t do this a long time ago. ”Steve. Jeffrey. Come on, try this. ”I can see clearly now. The rain has gone. ”I can see all lobsters in my way.” It really gets interesting around tool time. Tool time is…the Stone Age. That’s when it kicks off. Stone Age. Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tools. Hunting was bizarre. ”Come on, there’s a bison! Come on, Iads! ”WiII you die, sir? ”Die, I teII you! You’re in our territory! I peed and pooed all round here. ”I marked my territory quite cIearIy.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) (EXCLAIMING) ”WiII you die, sir? CouId you possibIy? You could feed a famiIy for nine years.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”Don’t you look at me with those big eyes. Those big cow eyes.” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”This could take hours!” (MIMICKING SLAPPING) ”Buggering heII! Come on, where are you? How can you be Iate? It’s the Stone Age! ”There’s nothing to be Iate in the Stone Age for. Bastards.” (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”Oh. That is much better. ”Did you see that? Did you see that?” The others come running up. ”I picked up a stone. I hit the bison. He’s just… He’s gone. He’s dead.” ”This is brilliant, Jeff. ”This could be the beginning of an age.” ”Well, that’s what I was thinking. ”Provisionally, I’ve entitled it, ”’The Age of Big Things Falling Over ‘Cause They’re Hit by Small Things ”of a Much Denser Material.”’ ”Just ‘Stone Age.”’ ”Stone Age! Yes. ”You were always better than me at that, weren’t you? ”Weren’t you, Siegfried?” We’re not sure of the names. So the Stone Age began. There were hitting tools, there were cutting tools. You could cut the skin off an animal that no longer needed it. (MIMICKING TEARING) ”Are you sure?” ”Yeah, no problem.” ”That’s very good of you.” ”Thank you so much. ”Hang on. Stuff. ”I’m king. I’m king here now. (MIMICKING FLY BUZZING) ”I’m king… I’m king of this area. ”I wear the cloak… The cloak… The cloak… Shut up!” ”I think you’re supposed to hang it up until it dries. Otherwise, flies.” ”Shut up, Twiggy. I’m king of the flies.” ”You know, this is almost a book.” ”If your name wasn’t Twiggy, but Leonard.” Language was developed 100,000 years ago. Before that, no language. Before that also, no religion. You can’t have religion by grunting it. It just… You can’t get moral ideas out by going… (GRUNTING) (CHUCKLING) ”I suppose so.” (GRUNTING) ”Ha-ha, I don’t know what you’re…” The Ten Commandments in grunt. One… (GRUNTING) Two… (VOCALISING) No. Three… The rabbit. Four. You get a bag, and you put it… And then… And then you take it and put it in the toilet. ‘Cause it’s… No… Five. You got a thing. I don’t know… My mother… Okay. Forget five. Six… Never eat shit. ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” We’re pretty sure that was the first identifiable line of language. ”I have no idea what you’re talking about.” One thing was huge before language and that was Scrabble. ‘Cause Scrabble, after language, it became about words. Before language, it was just, ”Put the letters down.” There were no rules. Everyone was a winner. K, T… FUNGTABL-SKLINGDUNG. ”Seventy-six.” ASTINGBOXISCRANKEZANGGA. ”That’s 105. It’s a triple word.” ”Dang.” Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslxia. This is true. They proved this one. The word ”dyslexia” was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. What’s the point of coming up with a word like ”dyslexia” to explain a word-blindness spelling problem. ”They have a problem with the words. It is a difficult thing. ”We’ve called this problem… (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (MIMICKING RADIO INTERFERENCE) ”Car 22, pickup…” ”It has seventeen silent letters and the face of a rat in it.” Just call it ”bonk.” They suffer from bonk. They have a word-blindness. We call it bonk. ”Excuse me, miss, I’ve got bonk.” ”All right. All right, just chew something at the corner of the class.” ”All right.” I would have preferred that to sitting there and spelling ”colour” with a ”K.” I did fantastic I-Spy. It was brilliant for I-Spy. I-Spy with an ”S” for ”ceiling.” It went on for hours. Till my brother was throttling me. ”’S.’ Ceiling.” ”Ceiling’s not with an ‘S.”’ ”Of course it is!” So we were hunter-gatherers. We were killers. We were killers only 2,000 years ago. Hunter-gatherers. Hardwired into our brains. And I think our journey… I don’t think there’s any reason why we’re here. You know, the meaning of life? I don’t think there is one. I think we’re just accidentally here. I think it’s that random, kids, ’cause that would explain the so many millions out there, and people talk about the Earth being in the Goldilocks place, where we’re not too close to the Sun, not too far away. I think it’s just now, ’cause there are probably other people out there. But while we’re here, we may as well do civilisation. Just be civil to one another. ‘Cause we got the killer thing in… And assassins, they took drugs. Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them just jump over the idea of going out and killing people. And it was hashish. That’s where the word comes from. They were hash-assins. No, it’s true. No, it sounds silly. They were hash-assins. Read it, it’s on Wikipedia. You can look it up on your iPhones while I’m talking to you. It’s true. I’ve done it. It’s there and they were talking about… They would give them hashish and say, ”You are hash-assins now. ”HeIp yourself to hashish and then we’ll go do hash-assinations.” ”He’s off his rocker, isn’t he?” ‘Cause I do think that hashish is one of the worst… It’s the wrong drug to give to people who are gonna go out and do something. Unless you say, ”We’re going to take over a Mars bar factory,” then… Yeah! Come on!” There was an empowerment there. ”We’re all going to go and dive into bags of sugar.” ”Yes! Yes, of course!” But apart from that, organised hash-assinations is just crazy. You get there… ”What? What? HoId this, hoId this. ”Get behind the hedge. Get behind the…” ”Bing-bong! ”He’s not… He is here. ”I’m sorry about this. We just… We’re hash-assins. ”No, we’re hash-assins. ”We gotta kiII you. We’re supposed to kiII you. ”Do you have a Kit Kat? ”If you’ve got a Kit Kat, that’s like a Get Out of JaiI Free card. ”You have? He’s got… Have you got three? ”You’ve got four… He’s got a four-bar one. Come on, all right. ”Shh! Schtum. CIose the door. Fuck off. We should do this everywhere. ”Get Kit Kats.” Ding-dong ”Got a Kit Kat? ”Or just a Cat Kit? Like a Meccano Cat… Ah, forget it.” Then the guy gets on the roof with a briefcase. (LOUDLY) ”I am in position… (SHUSHING) (SOFTLY) ”Sorry. I am in position on the roof with the briefcase. ”AII right, all right. Yeah. I’ll assembIe it. AII right. ”What the fuck is that? ”Attach Part A to Part B then to Part C… ”Apply transfers to model aircraft… ”These are the wrong instructions. (MIMICKING LIFT GOING UP) ”What? Yeah, no, I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. ”I haven’t… I haven’t got a gun. ”I have got a vacuum cleaner. ”Yeah. Well, it’s in a similar briefcase. ”It just looks… I know. I know. I know what you said. I know. ”Don’t bring the vacuum cleaner. But it’s a Dyson Slimline. ”It’s really lightweight. It’s orange. ”The ball type. Goes around corners really well. ”All right, all right, I’ll pack up here. Shall I Hoover up before I go? ”All right. All right. I know, I know. ”Look, I’ll throw it at him. How’s about I throw it at him? ”No, it’s not very accurate, but it has a fantastic eIemenl of surprise.” And we now, I think, in modern days, maybe we have more of a sense… More of an empathy with people. We can see horrors going on. We saw the tsunami. We saw the thing in Mumbai. We’ve seen films. Maybe it’s not visceral, but you can… You get a very good visual sense of what has gone on in the past. Back in the BattIe of Hastings time, you didn’t have a cIue what happened in the battIe. You were either in that battle, or you just fucking forget it. Or you watch a tapestry. The BayexX Tapestry tells you in panels what’s going on, but… It’s weavers. Weavers were the war correspondents. Weavers were the photojournalists of the day, going, ”Come on! Come on! ”Oh, my God, look at that! Get that down, Kelly. Put that here! ”What are they doing? Oh, God. Keep moving! Keep moving! ”Don’t look at the weavers! Just move on! ”Do some weird haircuts for the boys, all right? ”Give ’em a bit of a laugh, eh? ”Willie! Big Willie! Do it, give him a wave. Hey, Big Willie! Good luck. ”That’s the Duke of Normandy, the bastard. ”Come on, win, you bastards! Shoot someone in the eye. ”We’ve already done that panel. ”I’ve sewn this to my leg. Is that a problem?” The paparazzi. They were paparazzi. Very early paparazzi, going, ”All right. Anne Boleyn, Anne Boleyn, how’s it going, love, eh? ”Just hang on a second, love, trying to get you down all right. ”You don’t want to look like a weirdo, do you?” ”I’ll do three noses if you’re not careful. ”Just slow down, baby. Push your breasts up a bit. ”Is your sister with you? We’ll do a double panel. ”All right. All right, good luck. You gonna marry Henry? ”All right, keep your hair on. ”I’ve sewn this to my leg as well. Is that a problem?” So we were hunter-gatherers. We hunted and gathered. I would have elected to be… I would have chosen to be a hunter. It seems more fun. It seems more dangerous and more… (EXCLAIMING) You put face paint on your thing. It’s makeup. It’s almost me, action transvestite. That’s what hunter-gatherers were. We see it with the Native Americans. We’re there. The gathering… The gathering seems slightly more… ”One, twelve, thirteen, ”twelve, thirteen. ”TweIve. How many you got?” ”I’ve got seven. I give up.” ”I’ve Iost the will to live.” ”We’ve onIy got 19 berries. They’re gonna kiII us.” SuddenIy the hunters return. ”We are hunters. We have returned with stuff on our faces, ”having kiIIed bison and buffaIo and beavers and badgers ”and balloons, which was weird. ”They went pop! ”We kiIIed mainIy ‘B’ animaIs today. ”Tomorrow we will kiII cats and chinchiIIas and crocodiIes, then dogs and dingoes, ”then eIephants and eeIs, and then fungus. ”That’II be a Iong day. ”How many berries do you have for us?” ”A totaI of 19, sir.” ”That’s a bit crap. ”Seven hours for nineteen berries? That’s two… That’s something an hour, isn’t it? ”Never mind. Put them all together and make a smoothie.” (SLURPING) ”Needs a bit of Turkish yogurt.” ”Oh, they haven’t invaded yet.” ”We haven’t invaded yet.” So it was the hunter. And we all looked pretty good. That was the one upside of the Stone Age period. We looked fucking fantastic, man. Come on! Let’s go hunting just in underwear. Come on! ”Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers, two people, come on. ”Well, you look brilliant. In fact, hoId me over a pond, will you? ”I want to see what I look like.” The onIy way you could look at yourseIf in the oId days. Everyone looked a IittIe bit hangy-downy. I look a bit hangy-downy. So that was it. 10,000 years ago, the ice went away, going, ”Bye! Bye! Good Iuck with civiIisation. Invent fridges.” And off they went. And that is when the hunter-gatherer period moved into the agrarian period. Farming. Farming is a step up in civiIisation. More cuItivated. Groups and communities can grow. But it’s a step down in seXiness. There are no farming fiIms. No Farming. ”Bruce WiIIis in Farming. Farming III. (VOCALISING) ”He was just a farmer. Someone stoIe his beans.” ”You fucking stoIe my beans, MacGruder! I’ll chase you on my yak!” (VOCALISING) ”You’II never catch me! I have a yak, too!” (VOCALISING) ”It’s on Top Yak. It’s one of the best yaks in the worId.” Not eXciting fiIms. ”Look, the grass is growing.” And that’s why farmers keep animaIs. To make it more rock ‘n’ roII! More eXciting. Most of the animaIs they keep by choice are noisy animaIs. Cows go ”moo” and sheep go ”baa” and dogs go ”woof” and cats go ”woof” and pigs go ”woof” and horses go… (MIMICKING NEIGHING) And donkeys go ”ee-ore”. And pigs go ”onk.” No. ”Woof” or ”crack.” No, they don’t go ”crack.” Maybe they take crack. I’m not sure. I’m not sure there. Jury’s still out on that one. Ducks, geese, all noisy bastards. They keep no snaiIs. No badgers, no stoats, no weaseIs, no…rabbits. AII very quiet. GazeIIes make no noise. EXcept for this noise. (IMITATES SOUND OF SPEEDING CAR) Because they Ieap. You couldn’t farm gazeIIes, could you? You’d have to keep them in a bag. ”You want a gazeIIe, mate?” ”Yeah, all right. ”That’s not a gazeIIe. That’s an eeI.” ”Shit. Got the wrong bag. ”Here you go. Oh, it’s gone.” They have wings, you see. In the earIy days. You can teII by… Giraffes. Giraffes have no safety noise. They don’t have a signaI. Like chickens have a safety noise, which is… (MIMICS CLUCKING) Unless you wedge a trumpet on their face. And then it’s… (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) And you can train a chicken to do jazz. Which I would encourage all farmers to do. Then the farmer’s wife would say, ”What the heII is that?” ”That’s my jazz chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”But how does he make an embouchure?” ”He has a beak.” ”I wedged a mango in there.” Oh, you’ve box cIever there. And he wouldn’t actually wake you up, would he? He’d be like a permanent snooze button. ”And now it’s 6:00 a.m. and jazz chicken.” (MIMICKING SMOOTH JAZZ TRUMPET) 1 2:00 noon and people are going, ”MiIk me, motherfucker, miIk me. ”Get this miIk out of me. Someone pIug in, for God’s sake. ”I’ve gotta rub myseIf against a tree.” We don’t know… How did feraI cows miIk themseIves in the oId days before farming? There must have been wiId cows in the oId days. Cows who were crazy. WiId. ”Fuck you, buddy. Yeah.” Cows who would drive through the streets in cars. ”Is this your car, sir?” ”Moo.” ”Do you reaIise how fast you were going?” ”Moo.” (EXCLAIMING) ”Is this your friend?” (CHUCKLING) ”Moo.” ”Eh, Sarge, I think there’s a raptor and a cow in a car. ”Get everything here.” ”What do you mean everything?” ”I mean everything!” As Gary would say. ”Moo.” ”Do you reaIise how fast you were going?” ”Moo.” ”You were doing three miIes an hour.” ”Moo?” (MIMICKING THUDDING) ”He’s going faster now.” But giraffes have no emergency sound. If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa, it would have aIarm and surprise as two of its main emotions. Two of the emotions of the Spanish Inquisition. Fear. Well, fear, fear and surprise. Fear because, ”It’s a tiger.” And surprise because it’s a tiger and there aren’t any in Africa. So what’s it doing there? Is it on hoIiday? Have they come over with pirates? Through the GuIf of Aden? My hometown. So, yeah. And it would turn to its friends and say nothing. It has no… (MIMICKING ANIMAL NOISES) Nothing. It should hire a jazz chicken to sit on its back and go… (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) Or the jazz chicken could go… (TRUMPETING FASTER) -(APPLAUSE) -He could do that. And then it’II go, ”There are bees coming!” ”Not bees.” It has no way of saying tiger, so… But it can cough. If you look on Wikipedia, they can cough and so that’s what they must use. A very British method of pointing out aIarming things. (CLEARING THROAT) (COUGHING) ”There’s a tiger over there. (COUGHING) ”Tiger. Tiger over there. There’s a fucking, great, big tiger. ”Tiger at four o’cIock.” ”FiIm. Two syIIabIes. ”First syIIabIe. Sounds like. ”No, first syIIabIe. First syIIabIe. ”Tie? Tie?” ”Second syIIabIe, sounds like… ”Ger.” ”Ger?” ”Ger?” ”Tiger.” ”Tiger. Tiger.” (INAUDIBLE) And then they do go. You see them go. And where do they go to? Where do they go to? The giraffes who run. Well, they’re taller than Africa, that savannah bit. They’re so tall, they must hide behind giraffes, that’s what I’ve worked out. One giraffe is here and then the other giraffes just Iine out. ”Just stay in Iine. Back a bit, back a bit, back a bit. ”Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.” And the giraffe pretends, at this point, he pretends to be the EiffeI Tower. C’est fantastique. C’est tres belle. Oh, Paris bon nuit, c’est si belle. # Boom, fish and chicken # Sur la plage, quel dommage # Qu’elle sausage Tu m’appelles, oui ma mere # The tiger’s waIking around going, ”Where are we? ”We were in Asia, then Africa, now we’re in France. ”I can’t stand this. Give me the iPhone.” (EXCLAIMING) Noah, he knew about animaIs. Oh, yes, he did. And he’s mentioned in the BibIe, which I think are oraI histories. I think it did happen. There was a fIood, there’s fIood stories mentioned in the BibIe, mentioned outside the BibIe. We saw the tsunami, we know they happen. Now the big point is, did God teII him to make a boat or did Noah just use his Captain Common Sense? ‘Cause a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big piIe of wood, some of us might put two and two together and go, ”I’m gonna make a bIoody boat.” Others might go, ”I’m gonna make a hairdresser’s.” ”I’m gonna buiId a monkey emporium. I’m gonna buiId a big set of wooden shoes ”that would fit a giant.” But he made a boat. He was quite sensibIe. And what did he put on the boat? His famiIy. What eIse? AnimaIs. Which animaIs? Any he could find. Did he put two of every animaI in the worId on the boat? No! How could I be so sure? Try it. Just try it. It’s impossibIe. And there is such a word as impossibIe. You can’t… It is impossibIe to eat the HimaIayas. There’s no such word as ”can’t”? Well, try eating the bIoody HimaIayas. ”I got fuII after about two mountains, you know.” You’re not gonna get through that. So he was there, and he buiIt this boat. And just trying to get everything on there would be a nightmare. And it had to be everything, from two dung beetIes up to two giant squid. AII of them. AII the fish had to be there because we know they were bad, some of them. Sharks are bad, you know? Very few good sharks. Very few sharks say, ”We’ve found a chiId. ”He was swimming about having a bad time. ”We were going to eat him, but we thought it is not our way any more. ”Since the Geneva Convention on sharks, ”the agreement that sharks made with humans. ”We took his Ieg but that is our trade. ”We call him Stumpy. ”Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.” So Noah would be there, saying, ”AII right, Margaret. ”Margaret, just stuff them all over the boat. ”Lash one giant squid to the roof. Just do it. ”It’s raining, Margaret, it doesn’t matter. ”Just put them anywhere. Shove them in cupboards.” A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards going, ”There’s no toweIs. ”Is she there? No toweIs. ”Giant squid diary, day one. ”Got to the boat. Everything rather damp. Must inform TripAdvisor. ”Seem to be running out of ink. ”Met a number of animaIs. Interesting ones. Cat, dog, squirreI, a mouse. ”I will eat them Iater. ”I can’t find Horace. I think he’s Iashed to the roof.” And the whoIe two by two thing doesn’t work. Two by two animaIs. ”AII right, here we go. Kids, we’re gonna get them up two by two. ”Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish. ”Two rabbits, two squirreIs, two IIamas, two bIue things, two zebras. ”How many is that?” ”That? So far, two tigers, Dad.” ”What do you… Oh, no. ”What happened?” ”It just seemed to… It became a Wendy’s all-you-can-eat kind of… ”Do we have a psychotherapist on board? Because I think ”I need to readjust after that.” It wouldn’t work. Lions and tigers eat everything. It’s like putting students on a boat with a Ioad of cake miX, isn’t it? It would just be a munching fest. I’ve been up cIose to a Iion and they just do that. And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, which is 40 days of rain, isn’t it? The nights are impIicit, for God’s sake. It’s a month and a bit of rain. Don’t drag it out. Forty Iunchtimes and forty afternoon teas. Just padding out the BibIe. After that period of time, they’d be there from the BibIe, on the bit of Iand, saying, ”We’re here.” ”As the ark makes Iandfall, what a historic day. ”God’s pIan has worked. The ark has made it with two of everything. ”And here they come, this is Noah and his famiIy first. ”Trying to get a word in, they’re rushing away, ”they’re probabIy meeting some friends, Iate for a dinner appointment. ”And Iions and tigers, there they go. ”Well, they’re chasing… Made friends aIready, I suppose. ”No one eIse at the moment, must be packing. ”Just getting their things together. What a wonderfuI, gIorious day. ”Here comes a squirreI, just running out there. ”Mr SquirreI, how did it go?” ”No. It was a nightmare, man. ”Don’t go there. It was crazy. They kiIIed everything. Those stripy bastards, ”they kiIIed everything, man. There’s nothing there, man. ”It’s all dead, all dead, it’s like a ghost ship. ”I escaped, I hid in a coIander.” ”Oh, shit.” ”You gotta write that down in the BibIe. ”It was a bad pIan, man, bad pIan. Noah’s pIan.” ”What happened to your wife?” ”She got away. ”Got away in a boat with an owI and a cat.” ”Did they take anything with them?” ”Yeah, they took spoons and a heIicopter, ”a IittIe toy one and a GatIing gun.” ”An owI and a pussy-cat went to sea In a beautifuI pea green boat ”They took some spoons, a heIicopter and a GatIing gun…” ”Yeah. It’s not poetry.” So, civiIisation, that’s what we’re about, and whiIe we’re here, ’cause I don’t think there’s actually a reason why we’re here, but whiIe we’re here we may as weII try and be civiIised, just a IittIe bit British. Just a IittIe bit getting up in the morning and saying, ”HeIIo, how are you?” WaIking on. Can’t stand the man, myseIf. It’s a IittIe bit like that. And the Egyptians and the Sumerians, they started it off, they started the ball roIIing about 5,000 years ago. They said, ”Come on, irrigation. That’s a good thing.” And the pharaohs were going, ”I’m 1 2 years oId, I could die sometime.” ”You’re very young, sir.” ”Yeah, I could die, so I wanna die in a pointy thing.” ”AII right, we’ll make one. About head height?” ”A miIe high.” ”BIoody 1 2 year oIds.” ”Come on, Iads, cut some rock.” And it was all kind of sandy, and they worshipped Ra, the Sun god, Ra. They had a song. # Ra, hurrah for Ra He’s up there near the stars # But they’re not there They’ve gone somewhere else # And he is there, it’s up there. It’s quite hot It’s hot, it makes all our ground crappy # And that’s why we have irrigation, La, la, la, la, Ra, Ra… # I’m not sure what the song was. But it was something in that area. And the worshipping of the Sun god, that is the circIe behind Mary’s head. Mary and Baby Je, you know they got the circIe, and you grew up thinking that meant they were very, very good, very, very good or the CoIgate ”ring of confidence,” remember that one? Actually, it means sun worshipping. It was sIid in behind Christianity. Christianity, ”HeIIo.” ‘Cause Christians worship Chris, of course. That’s what it should be about. Christmas is when we remember Chris and how he so brilliantIy Ianded on that pagan rituaI of being born on the 25th of December. What is it with Christianity? There was all these pagan reIigions, and then Christianity went, ”That seems to fit.” Well, it was, and all those people… A Iot of churches are buiIt on pagan sites, so people turn up for their pagan rituaIs, ”Let’s go and worship on the feast of bingo. ”Where the fuck did this come from?” ”Ooh! It’s not bingo any more, it’s Mr… It’s Mr Chris. ”Well, Iet’s worship him then, shall we? Whoever’s here, we’ll worship.” So, the Egyptians did a number of groovy things. Five thousand years they were there, and they invented a Ianguage, a Ianguage, written up on there. And it was a nightmare for newsreaders. ”Here is the news in Egypt: ”Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog, dog with a gun, ”waIking, pig, pig, pig, coming, man, ”duck with a gun, man, there’s an eyeball waIking aIong, ”chicken with a banjo, dog, really powerfuI dog, comes aIong, ”and the cat got him in an arm Iock. Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat. ”It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year. ”That’s what I’m guessing. Here’s the weather with Janine.” ”Thank you. It will be sunny forever.” And now, the Greeks. So, the Greeks came in, ’cause the Egyptians all died in a car crash. And the Greeks, they had democracy, two Greek words. ”Demos” means people. ”Ocracy” is a kind of infIatabIe cat fuII of heIium going, ”Vote now, vote now.” Kind of like Blade Runner, in my mind. So, they had democracy, which is great, and it took off there, it fIowered through the Roman period, 500 years of democracy, and then it went, somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God. And they aIso, not onIy had that, they had the Spartans. The Spartans were… The eIite fighters of today are based on the Spartans. And the Spartans were just crazy. Get up in the morning… (YAWNING) ”Kids!” ”Dad!” ”Spears!” ”Breakfast.” ”How many did you get?” ”Got eight.” ”I got seven.” Just mayhem. Death by numbers. Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course, were huh! But the women were aIso huh! The chiIdren were huh! And the dogs were woof! and the cats were woof! The sIugs were… (EXCLAIMING) And the sheep shh! – siIent. The most deadIy sheep in the worId. They were the onIy predator sheep the worId has ever known. They would wear bandanas, like the kamikaze piIots, with ancient sheep runes on them. They had not a cIue what they meant. And they would sneak up on woIves, they would creep up in the dead of night. Shh. They would never make a bIeat. The woIves would wake and go, ”Sheep!” ”What? I’m the woIf who cried sheep.” And the irony was writ Iarge upon them. And the sheep would be in a stand-off with the woIves, ’cause they knew they were more powerfuI, but the sheep were brave. And the sheep would take a rusty bIade and they would say, ”Look at this!” (BLOWING) And they would shear themseIves. (GRUNTING) ”Come on! ”I’ve got my jacket off now. ”You wanna come outside?” And the woIves would go, ”We are outside.” ”Let’s fight, motherfucker.” And the woIves would go, ”This is not in the book. ”Grab their cIothes and run.” As the audience reaIised where the joke was, the woIves in sheep’s cIothing would run down the hiII, run into a IocaI market, buy SIurpees, run off, and never pay. ”Hey, I thought they were sheep.” ”They were woIves in sheep’s cIothing.” ”I didn’t know. New thing to me.” And it started a whoIe spate of that, woIves in sheep’s cIothing, dogs in cats’ cIothing, pigs in giraffes’ cIothing, which looked odd, and ants in eIephants’ cIothing, which was the biggest bIuff of all. ”Move or we will trampIe you.” ”You’re the fIattest eIephants I’ve ever seen.” ”We are covert eIephants. Work for the nationaI secret people. ”We’re taking Ieaves back to our nests.” ”EIephants don’t have nests.” ”Shit.” ”We will trampIe you ”with our noses.” (SCOFFINGLY) ”Tsssh.” Said the man. (WHISPERING) Forget that scene. I like the scene up tiII there, but I don’t know where it goes after that. SuddenIy a cow turned up. ”Moo.” ”You again?” ”Moo.” ”Can you give me Iift to the shops?” ”Moo.” ”Is that a yes or a no?” ”Moo.” ”AII right, I’m coming with you.” (EXHALING) ”Stop writing on the windows.” ”I thought you just said, ‘Moo’.” ”Moo.” Just moving that mime away. So, Spartans. They fought the battIe of ThermopyIae. The BattIe of ThermopyIae, made into a fiIm called On the Good Ship Lollipop. That was the first fiIm about it. It’s an anagram. On the Good Ship Lollipop, BattIe of ThermopyIae. It’s eXactIy the same Ietters. It’s almost eXactIy the same Ietters. It was a ShirIey TempIe fiIm. She was in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period, she was trying to do more edgy chiIdren’s fiIms. But anyway, she wanted… ”I want to make fiIm, one about the Spartans. ”About the Spartans at ThermopyIae.” They said, ”AII right,” and it was On the Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that. # On the good ship… # (MIMICKING HACKING WITH A SWORD) (SCREAMING) ”ShirIey!” ”Spartan!” # …Lollipop # (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) But they tested it on chiIdren in America, and the chiIdren actually eXpIoded. (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) ”Shit, they’re going!” So, they decided to edit all the vioIence out of the fiIm. And you can’t teII. If you watch On the Good Ship Lollipop, you can’t teII, eXcept if you look at ShirIey when she turns in a certain Iight, you can see a IittIe bit of bIood coming out of there down her chin. But the Spartans were crazy, they would oiI themseIves before battIe, so no one could take them alive. ”I’ve got him! Hang on.” ”These guys, it’s like fighting fish over here, XerXes. ”XerXes, put the ScrabbIe board down, mate. ”Who invented traveI ScrabbIe? ”Come on, we’re trying to do something here.” These bIokes, they were tactically very cIever because this is 300 Spartans against 50,000, 100,000 Persians? No one knows how many Persians. They now think it could have been all the Persians. Persia was empty that day, they beIieve. If you’d waIked into Persia, just empty, eXcept for cats and carpets. PeopIe just heIping themseIves. ”We’re here on the border of Persia, and there’s just people with carpets, -”and cats trying to protect them.” -(MIMICKING CAT MIAOWING) ”Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.” ”Vote now.” The Spartans were cIever as weII, tactically cIever, they got the Persians to attack them in a very narrow pIace, which was the corridor of a Student Union party. Get our cake miX out the window! Take the booze, run! Take the Watney’s Red BarreI. I didn’t have that, no. It was more Tennent’s. Cans of Iager. Anyway. So, yes, so that was the Spartans. Greeks fought in the phaIanX, they would have a whoIe group of people with 20-foot spears. You couldn’t get at them, they had 20-foot spears. Unless one of your group was crazy enough to say, ”Don’t worry, I’ll Iead the way.” (CHUCKLING) Sacrifice himseIf on the spear. (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) (SIGHING) (LAUGHING) (WHOOPING) Can’t do that. (MIMICKING THUDDING) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Shit. (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) (LAUGHING) (GROANING) (CHUCKLING WEAKLY) (GROANING SOFTLY) (GIGGLING) (LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY) ”ToId you. ”EXtra two foot on my spear. ”God, he’s heavy. I’m gonna wiggIe him off the end.” (MIMICS THUDDING) ”Crap.” ”They’II think you’re signalling!” ”I’m not, I’m just trying to get ”a dead guy off the end of my spear. ”They’II probabIy think he’s a poIe vauIter having a really weird… ”Having a reaI tough day at the office.” These gigs are just for me, you reaIise. ”Come off my spear. ”Hang on. ”Okay. Okay. ”I can’t see anything. I can’t see anything. ”Hang on, hang on… ”Okay. I’m good.” (HUMMING) Then the Romans came in with a short, pointy sword, turned it sideways and went… ”Ha-ha!” ”Hang on, hang on, hang on. ”WeIcome to the second Iine of defence. ”I’m just going to get a sherbet or something.” The Romans took over everything, they buiIt aqueducts, viaducts, they could move ducks around faster than anyone ever had. Everyone was confused by this brilliant move that meant that ducks were aIways in difficuIt pIaces to get at. You never knew… Where were these ducks coming from? Even the ducks were going, ”We don’t know why we’re here.” And the Roman’s going, ”I think they’re supposed to be on water, really.” And the men seemed to ruIe the empires. In fact, the women ruIed the empires with the use of poison. And the men would say, ”I, Lucius, I will kiII Gaius Cassius, ”and I will be emperor of Rome.” And the women would say, ”Good Iuck, Lucius, have a peach before you go.” ”Thank you, CaIpurnia. ”PeopIe of Rome…” Now my young, 3-year-oId, idiot duck son will become… (QUACKING) (VOCALISING) (QUACKING) The Romans did a heII of a Iot, man. They did a heII of a Iot, very industrious, very good at kiIIing, death by death. Death by kiIIing with big, pointy things. They were good at that, but they did this with a Ianguage which we know from schooI is siIIy. It’s too bIoody compIicated. It’s just got nouns and a mascuIine, feminine, neuter, biseXuaI, hermaphrodite and straight transvestite. They have an accusative, a nominative, a vocative, a Iocative, an abIative, a dative and genetive. CouIdn’t they have had 19 more? I mean why stop at 27? I mean, it goes on. If someone says, ”Do you want a beer?” you are stuck in the idea of I’m the object, I’m… The beer’s the object, no, I want a beer. Yes, I do. ”Yes” is affirmative. I want affirmative action but the beer is… You are the object. No, the beer is the object. The beer is coming towards me, that’s a motion towards, that’s to, so dative’s gotta be in there somewhere. Just mime me an answer. Thumb? Yeah, all right, mate. How did they get the messages out… When HannibaI attacked through Spain, up and over the AIps, how did they get the message out? I mean, ’cause HannibaI actually won a whoIe bunch of battIes, and maybe that was because they just couldn’t speak to each other quick enough. Messengers running from one battIe to another going, ”Centurion, Centurion, alarum, alarum miserarium, ”minerarium, miserarium, alarum miserarium. ”Touten de soldatens ”er, mourati on the party.” ”Quod the fuck is the… Quod erat demonstrandum?” ”Ich bin messengare. ” ”Si, naturellement. ” ”Und ich couriere nach here from a Iong way away-re ”mit newsum tres mauvaises de le battle-arium, the battarium ”the pugnacco of the peoples and the tuti of the mutis ”on the booties.” ”Quod the fuck are you taIking about here?” ”It’s difficlarium. ” ”HannibaI!” ”HannibaI? HannibaI.” ”Si, HannibaI!” ”Oh, didus knock mentanatem HannibaI?” ”Si, si, Generalissimo HannibaI.” ”HannibaI?” C’est tres dangereux! ”Si. Er kommt, mein Herr. ” ”Arriverarm, arrivederci? No. Arriveramus? ”Is… Veni, vidi, vici!” ”Veni, vidi, vici?” ”Si, veni, vidi, vici. HannibaI.” ”Mit soldates?” ”Si, mit soldates. No, tout seul, bucket and spade on hoIiday, I think. ”Naturellement mit soldates, mit total soldates. ”Multo soldates, infinitata soldates. ” ”Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus totally impossibiliatus. ” ”No. ”Ask Pythagoratus.” ”Yes, ist te truthum. It’s the veritum. ” ”Pi?” ”Danke schon. ” ”Have you tried just not cooking this? ”C’est pas mal, c’est pas mal, mate. RhetoricaI… ”Gas markum quoi?” ”Gas markum 3.1 41 .” ”It’s a jokum, it’s a jokum. He’s a funny Iad.” (CHUCKLING) ”High-fives, Pythagoratus. ”Square of the hypotenuse.” ”Have you finished?” ”No, ’cause cette fois ”HannibaI is coming ’round the mountain when he comes. ”Is coming ’round the mountains when he comes.” ”Coming ’round the mountains? Coming ’round the mountains?” ”Coming ’round the mountains when he comes.” Singing… (VOCALISING) ”Mit pink pyjamas?” ”Kein pink pyjamas.” ”Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein. ” ”Elephantein? ”What the fuck elephantein erat?” ”Elephantein tres dangereux. Elephantein tres mysteriosum. ”Front part is elephantain and is similaris con ein squirrel. ” ”Hey, man. Don’t take the piss out of me. ”I’m just here, you know, looking for my wife. ”Have you seen a boat?” ”Imagine this maximum squirrel upside-downus, back to frontus. ”Tailum ist nosum. ”Tailum ist nosum. ”Back part is elephantein is smilarus but a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus. ”Bike pump. ”Attachum mit duct tape. That is elephantein. ” ”Das ist elephantein? Run, motherfucker.” It’s too big, too Iong. AII that takes far too Iong, and HannibaI would overrun them, and kiII them all and set up a charity. EngIish is good, it’s taken off because it’s such a simpIe Ianguage at its base IeveI. ”HannibaI’s coming!” ”HannibaI? What with?” ”SoIdiers.” ”How many?” ”Tons”. ”What eIse?” ”EIephants.” ”What are they?” ”Pigs and squirreIs. Run.” The EngIish have gone, the EngIish have gone. God, they had such a quick Ianguage. You have to have a tea party to work out the Latin stuff. Yes, we got rid of one of our you’s. We had two you’s, we got rid of one. The whoIe famiIiar you. ”Aren’t you my father?” And the unfamiIiar you. ”Who the fuck are you guys?” So, we got rid of the first one. That was all the ”thee” and the ”thou” one that the PiIgrims used, wouldst thee, wouldst thou, would thee, thy, thum… WouIdst thou? Thou wiIt disagree. Thou wiIt have a bad time over the fact that thou didst send us away… Why don’t you all just go? Go and hang in the middIe of the country. So, yeah. The Romans all died in a chariot crash, and then CharIes Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 scritty swam swums, and that book was an interesting book ’cause it was called, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, You. And it just took off like wiIdfire and it caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom. Monkeys were furious about it. They were fIinging poo at eIectricaI fans that had been specially set up for the occasion. Because ”the shit hits the fan” is a saying that is post-eIectricity. Pre-eIectricity it’s just… (BLOWING) ”Did you just throw a poo at my fan? ”What’s the point of that? ”You want me to switch the eIectricity on? ”Well, we’ve onIy just had it wired up. I don’t see…” (EXCLAIMING) ”I see, yes, yes. ”Yes, the shit has certainIy hit the fan now.” Before eIectricity all they had was ”Then the shit will really hit the Archimedes screw.” Much sIower. So, yes, that was it, evoIution, evoIution, and we have evoIution all the way from the beginning up to now, incIuding all of us, the genetics that go through us, the inbreeding, non-inbreeding, the RoyaI famiIy. Well, it’s good that the RoyaI FamiIy… They shouldn’t have seX with people. The idea of being commoners… We have an idea of commoners. ”Commoners” is a horribIe word. I think it should be ”reaI people.” That’s what the House of Commons should be. The House of ReaI PeopIe. And the commoners, they’re reaI people, you see? So, the Queen Mother, she was aIways crazy, she was shot out of a cannon for her funeraI, as you know. That was her dying wish, ”Shoot me out of a cannon.” It was kind of a Robin Hood thing going on there. She was a Scottish Iady, oh, yes. She was… You never heard her speak. Do you remember the Iast 40 years, you never heard a word but she was there going, (IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) ”WiII you shoot me out of a cannon? Come on. ”I’d like to see the SoIent one more time before I Iand in the IsIe of Wight. ”Come on, you fucker. Give us a break.” Something like that. But the Queen, I just have a probIem with monarchy because obviousIy in the third miIIennium hereditary priviIege is insane. Yes, I hear your siIent yes. Hereditary priviIege? How do you eXpIain that to chiIdren? ”Why do some people live in fantastic houses ”and we give them cash out of our taXes?” ”Because er… ”I don’t know, that’s a good question, small chiId.” It is an interesting question. You know, it’s gotta change. I think CharIie’s doing something, you know, he’s doing organic farming, he’s doing stuff. The charity he does is good. Some of the kids are doing stuff, but Liz and PhiI, Liz and PhiI haven’t done anything, Liz and PhiI just sat there. ‘Cause they got in at ’52 and then immediateIy the Queen introduced the new… Then in the ’60s, the Queen decided to change the way that… And she encouraged people to… And in the ’70s, she compIeteIy redistributed… And reaIised she had too much weaIth, so she decided to… Then in the ’80s, they set up a charity to do… And then they encouraged other people to… And in the ’90s, they just totally reIaXed, and they said, ”Everyone, why don’t you…” And then in the 2000s, they’ve set a great eXampIe by… Stop me at any point. I think she’s got 20 years Ieft, she’s in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps. Do something! Just do something! Open your house up! Give all your houses away! Do something! Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette. Drive a car. Wave a bit. Fucking wave. Where’s the fucking wave? We paid good money, we want some fucking waving. Got cash, got cash, do waves. Don’t you think? Anyway, so, evoIution. We can see evoIution with fish. Fish swim in the sea, they’re very thin, they breathe through their necks. And they just seem to be… They have very short memories, I beIieve, fish, and so they seem to just be going, ”Oh, oh, oh, oh…” As if someone’s just toId them, ”You reaIise you’re fish, ”and you have very short memories.” ”Oh. ”Oh. Oh. ”Oh, I didn’t reaIise. Oh, no.” And then the mudskipper is a fish that waIks aIong on its Iegs. You can see the evoIution with the mudskipper going aIong. And if you look right deep into his eyes, you can see him going, ”I’m almost there, I’m almost there. One day I’ll have a house and a Ferrari. ”I’ll work on the Stock EXchange. Lose Ioads of money down a toilet.” And then fish fIy, fish fIy. In the sky. They must be up there going, ”Oh, wow.” And then they must stop in trees occasionally and go, ”Oh.” And then birds are in trees, they’re going, ”Who the fuck are you guys?” ”Oh, no.” ”We’re birds, we eat fish.” ”Oh, crap.” ”FIy, Freddie, fIy!” You ever seen birds chasing fish in the air? It just looks so… You go, ”I gotta have a drink, that’s weird.” So, that’s the fish side, that’s evoIution. Then on the creation side, God got the worId and he went, ”There it is, it’s bIue, don’t fuck it up.” Can’t stand the man. We don’t know what that means. It’s just funny, but we don’t know why. But now he didn’t do it in one go. Which, I think, why take siX days over it? Why not just go… He did it siX days with one day for prayer. Why not do two seconds… (EXCLAIMING) And then you’ve got seven days for prayer. And they could just be up there going, ”God, you’re really great, you’re really fantastic. ”Dear God, we thank you, especially for what you did on Tuesday. ”That was really… Was it Tuesday? No, never. That’s right.” You never wake up and you hear, ”God’s given everyone an eXtra banana. ”What a wonderfuI day it is! EXtra banana for everyone.” Never. Anyway, siX days of making the Earth, like he’s making a train set for his kids. (BLOWING) After a whiIe small animaIs will be foIIowing going, ”Who are you?” ”I’m God.” ”Why are you taking so Iong? ”We’ve got no food.” ”AII right, I’ll make you food. Sorry about that. What are you, badgers? ”SquirreIs? Chicken?” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”We eat nuts, man. Have you seen a boat?” ”Haven’t made them yet.” ”Well, what am I doing here?” ”Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.” ”No, we don’t. Not eating that. It’s supposed to be pak choi, anyway.” ”It’s called bok choy.” ”Pak choi.” ”Mandarin.” ”Cantonese.” (SIGHING) ”Not eating it.” ”AII right, sprouting broccoIi.” (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) ”HoIy crap, I see badgers can be choosers.” (AUDIENCE GROANING) What? What, you’ve heard too many bok choy, pak choi, sprouting broccoIi, badger creationist jokes this week? ”Oh, yeah, up to here, every other person saying them. ”Can’t… Just wading through them this Christmas. ”That oId chestnut. ”Didn’t the Greeks use that one?” Fuck off. ”AII right, Mr Badger, creme bruIee you shall eat.” ”Creme bruIee? That’s hardIy bruIee, that’s singed.” ”AII right, that’s creme fIambee now.” ”Creme bruIee, creme fIambee, where did you Iearn French?” ”WhiIe you were pissing about making the Earth. ”I was on Rosetta Stone. ”We were all sitting around there going, ‘La chaise est sur l’elephant. ”’ ”I don’t know what he’s taIking about.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”Day one in the giant squid diaries.” ”Nothing, it’s a void. Day three, isn’t it?” ”Shit, running out of ink. Why, why, why? There’s no water yet. Bugger, bugger.” ”AII right. Give me another Letts diary, will you?” Do you remember those? Every Christmas you get your Letts diary. You fiII in just the first siX days and then bIank. Did everyone do that? Then about June you’d rediscover it and start fiIIing it in again and then go… Then you’d backfiII it with lessons. Okay, I saw one kid doing that. Anyway, creationism has turned, through the mind of a Sarah PaIin, into inteIIigent design. And I have two probIems with inteIIigent design. One is the inteIIigence part of it, and the other is the design part of it. Because, you know, there’s some things which are wonderfuI in the worId, and some things that are horribIe, disgusting. Cancer. InteIIigent design, or just weird fucking stuff going on? ChoIera, all those things. If we were God for haIf an hour, we would ban poo and pee. Why do we have poo and pee? You say, ”Oh, waste products.” Why not just eat food and do stuff? There’s no Iogic to waste products. Just efficient use of energy. Eat it and boom, go do stuff. Poo and pee causes all those… Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. AII the poo and peeing diseases, choIera, all that… Out the window, if we were God. And then you say, ”You might need the poo for crops.” Well, no, the crops grow because of sunIight. Or because they want to. Remember you’re God. So the appendiX, it sits neXt to your oesophagus your entire Iife going, ”Any grass? Is that grass, mate? Is that grass? What’s that, bok choy? No? ”ArsehoIe. ”What’s that, spinach? Well, do you want… Forget it. ”No, it’s horribIe. I don’t want to touch it. ”We’ve got an appendiX here, but forget it. ”Asparagus! That’s like grass, isn’t it? Big grass? Big grass, mate? ”Do you want to run it through me and Jimbo? Machine? One carefuI owner. ”This is insane. I’m calling InteIIigent Design.” (MIMICKING DIALLING) ”InteIIigent Design.” ”Yeah, it’s the appendiX.” ”Yes, the appendiX. Any news?” ”Well, what the fuck are we doing? ”Did you put us here on duty to deaI with the grass? ”I mean, it doesn’t eat grass. Haven’t you noticed? ”It might be evoIution.” ”Yeah, weII, it might be, motherfucker. ”We don’t wanna be here. We’re just sitting here, doing nothing. ”We want to be somewhere eIse. Where? ”We want to be in the back of books. ”You put an appendiX in the back of books. Go on, put it there, ”and then, we don’t want page numbers, we want Roman numeraIs. ”ReaI teeny, tiny ones. ”And then we want endless Iists of rubbish that no one ever reads. ”Or, they’d read two or three of them and then go, ‘Oh, this is crap.’ ”And then they go back. You do that. Otherwise… Otherwise we will eXpIode.” Your appendiX eXpIodes, just like John Hurt in the fiIm Alien (MIMICKING EXPLOSION) when that thing comes out. And that looks like an appendiX with teeth. Your appendiX very rareIy gets huge and eats the rest of your crew. That’s true. But that’s it. Cows have four stomachs. Why do they have four stomachs? Why not one stomach? Why don’t they do it like us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee? They have four crappy stomachs, or useless stomachs. They eat food, it comes back up, they chew it again, it goes back down. It comes back up. It keeps going up and down. By the fourth stomach, sureIy it’s coming up and they’re going, ”This did not need to come back up. ”This should have gone the other way. ”I now understand ‘shit-eating grin.’ I know what it is. ”ShouId be shit-eating grimace.” (TUTTING) Cows should be in corners of fieIds going… (RETCHING) Never see that. Or they should be in cars going, ”Moo.” ”We like him.” (EXCLAIMING) ”Moo.” Cow and raptor. Cow, raptor. (VOCALISING) ”Moo.” ”Go, cow, go.” ”Moo.” ”Put all the moo in the bag. ”Got Iots of moo.” ”What the fuck is moo?” ”I think it’s air.” Work on the first draft of this script. So, I think we look for ruIes to live our lives. And I decided to take all the reIigions in the worId and all the phiIosophies, because I think reIigions are phiIosophies with an eXtra top coat of mysticaI things, you know. Stuff for people Iiving in trees. Or cIouds. Or trees. If a god lived in a tree that wouldn’t work, would it? ”I am a god.” ”You’re Iiving in a tree. ”You’re like a bird, aren’t you?” ”Yeah. ”But… Oh, bugger.” What I chose from all the reIigions and faiths in the worId, and I decided to try and live… You know, you want some ruIe, direction to live your Iife by. And ”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” seems to be one thing you can just grab hoId of and is really good. And it’s not perfect, and you’re gonna be grumpy at people, or shouting or whatever, but if you try that one, I think it’s really good. And you don’t need anything eIse. And then there’s the Ten Commandments. Now, that’s a Iot of commandments. I think humans, we like simpIistic. But anyway, Moses, charismatic individuaI, mentioned in the BibIe, mentioned outside the BibIe. Grew up as an ancient Egyptian, which means he was an Egyptian who was really oId at the age of three. ”Oh, yes. Come over here, young man. ”EXcited are we?” He would say. And, so, he was actually a Hebrew person who was smuggIed in and adopted. And all the Hebrew people were ensIaved in Egypt at that time because they were there on hoIiday and it all went pear-shaped. And Moses grew up and he kiIIed a sIave owner. And he rushed off and hid and became a shepherd to get out of being sent… Put on triaI, whatever it was. And whiIe he was up on the mountain with his sheep, a bush caught fire. (MIMICKING FLAME ROARING) And he said, ”Right. Come on, sheep, get out of here. ”It’s looking kind of bibIicaI around here.” And the bush said, ”Moses, Moses, come back here.” And he said, ”Hang on, sheep, just wait. What is it?” ”Moses, you must Ieave this pIace.” ”I was Ieaving when you called me back. ”What the bIoody heII do…” ”No, I mean you must Ieave this area, on a short to mid-term future, ”on a geopoIiticaI basis.” ”For fuck’s sake, ”you’re a very compIicated bush. ”We’re not used to that round here.” So, yes. He ran over to the sheep. ”It’s a sIow burn,” he said to the sheep. ”Look, sheep. I gotta go. Get out of Dodge City.” ”You Iads, you get out of here. Run, you run from here. ”I have to go and do things. So you run and you find the Spartan sheep. ”They will train you to be ninjas. They will train you to be kamikaze. ”That’s not really usefuI. ”That’s a kind of (THUD) thing. AII right, forget it, it’s too compIicated.” ”What?” ”Moo.” ”You’re mooing sheep. You must find the Spartan sheep. ”They will train you to become Ieaders of sheep. And I’ll meet you in the finaI scene.” ”Okay.” So he runs off. He goes down to his friends and says, ”Come on, Iads, we’ll get all the Hebrew people and Ieave this desert. ”Let’s go to a desert.” Yeah, change is as good as a rest. ”I want to go to Surrey.” ”No, it’s a bit rainy there.” Let’s go to the desert. He says, ”Let’s go tonight, under the cover of frogs.” So… ‘Cause there were ten pIagues that Ianded on Egypt. And, you know, there’s a pIague of fIies. (MIMICKING FLIES BUZZING) PIague of Iocusts. (MIMICS LOCUSTS CHIRPING) And a pIague of frogs was one of the weirdest pIagues I’ve ever heard of. If that came from God, he had Iost his marbIes. Because a pIague of frogs is not a pIague, is it? It’s just a Iot of frogs. It’s more frogs than usuaI. To be a pIague, you have to be abIe to go, ”The fIies, the fIies!” ”The Iocusts, the Iocusts!” And you’re never going, ”The frogs, the frogs! I’m drowning in frogs! ”HeIp me, Mama, heIp me!” ”PuII Jimby out of the fiI… Out of the frog pit. ”The pit of frogs. The frogs have got him.” ”Don’t Iick their backs.” Who came up with a hallucinogenic back of a toad? Was that God on crack cocaine? (INHALING) ”Look. B-sus, just look at this. ”B-sus, Iick the back of that. (CONTINUES INHALING) ”Lick that. Lick the back of that toad. Lick the back of that toad.” ”Dad, you’ve said that for haIf an hour now.” ”B-sus, you’re covered in something.” ”What, Dad?” ”Wow, this is really good toad. This is a good year. What year is this? ”1927. Wow, eXceIIent toad year.” Toads came up with the Iine, ”You Iick my back, and I’ll Iick yours.” If he created a frog pIague, then he must have been going, ”AII right, T-sus, P-sus, D-sus, L-sus, I want another pIague.” ”You’ve had ten, Dad. Well, you’ve had nine. This’II be the tenth. ”You had a pIague of toads, and a pIague of heIicopters, ”a pIague of people with weird haircuts, pIague of dripping.” ”The dripping, the dripping. But there’s no bread.” ”I want another pIague. Who are those green Iads over there?” ”They’re frogs, they’re pIaying canasta, worId championship.” ”Who’s winning?” ”Frogs are, 2 to 1 .” ”Who are they pIaying?” ”Other frogs.” ”Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.” ”Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters are falling from the… (MIMICS THUDDING) ”Small green monsters, quite small. ”Just frogs.” (MIMICS FROG CROAKING) So they strapped them to their heads and they ran and ran. ”There’s frogs escaping.” ”It’s okay.” And they go up through… And they went through the Red Sea ’cause a giant squid heId the water back. ”Go on, good Iuck, good Iuck.” ”Giant squid’s diary, day 3,009. ”HeIped the frogs. No. ”HeIped the Hebrew people get out ”of Egypt. Running out of bIoody ink again. ”Got a biro. ”HeIped the Hebrew people to escape under the cover of frogs. ”Was gIad to heIp. Links with Noah. Saw Mr SquirreI again.” ”It was heII in there, man. We were ensIaved. ”SquirreIs were ensIaved.” ”For what?” ”I don’t know.” (MIMICKING TRUMPHET BLOWING) ”I’m going to marry a chicken.” So then they wandered in the desert for 40 years. And if I was with that group, after 23 years, I would have turned to them and said, ”What the fuck is going on? 23 years just wandering in the desert. ”I’ll give you 1 7 more years and that’s it.” And after 1 7 years, 30 years, 40 years, and after 40 years, there are obviousIy people going mad, going crazy. They’re going, ”I’m gonna have seX with my foot.” ”I’m gonna eat balloons tiII I eXpIode.” ”I’m gonna set fire to my buttocks.” ”I’m gonna stapIe my toes to a tractor.” ”I’m gonna fiII myseIf with sand and sell myseIf to a taXidermist.” And Moses said, ”Look, you can’t do this. This is insane. You can’t. There are ruIes.” ”There are no ruIes!” ”AII right, I’ll get 10.” So he runs off and comes back, ”AII right, here they are.” ”RuIe one, never piss in a toaster. ”Never eat barbed wire. Don’t call yourseIf Mr Jimjams. ”Never scrape your brain with the back of a comb. ”Don’t put your toes in a fire. ”Never sellotape your eyeIids to your mother’s.” ”What? These aren’t ruIes, you just made these up on the way back from the hiII.” ”I couldn’t find anyone with… Just… I’ll get better ones.” Runs off. Two hours Iater he comes back. ”AII right, all right. Here we are. ”AIways keep quiet. Run up a tree if you see anyone. ”Keep your taiI cIean. Keep your nuts and your makeup in a hoIe in the tree.” ”This is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) ”These are squirreI ruIes.” ”Hey, man. Don’t have a go at us, man. ”We got good ruIes. Yeah. We know what we’re doing, man. ”This is my chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”Who are these people? They’re not Hebrew squirrels and chickens.” ”They’re just with us. They’re with the band.” So, yes. So then he said… They said to him. They said, ”Moses, look, Moses, we want reaI ruIes, ruIes you can write on rock. ”The three R’s.” So he said, ”AII right. I’ll go get them.” As the audience worked that joke out he ran away. He ran off and he was away for months. About two months. A Iong time. Must have been, because by the time he returned, they had smeIted metaI. That’s a Discovery programme, channeI, thing. That’s a… SmeIting metaI? ”Oh, he’s not coming back. He’s probabIy eaten by bears. ”Let’s smeIt metaI. ”Let’s make a cast-iron version of a god.” And it never works. If you watch it, it’s very difficuIt to make a proper mouId and get it all working out, especially in the desert after 40 years. Pour it out and go, ”There, a goIden caIf.” ”Looks like a badger that’s head’s eXpIoded.” ”That’s a stoat covered in sick.” ”That’s a man who’s eaten too many balloons.” ”Whatever it is, he’s called Jimbo and we’re worshipping him.” ”We worship thee, O Jimbo, our Iord of thistIe. ”PIease bring us kazoos on the hour, every hour.” And then Moses returned and he said… He was furious and he smashed the tabIets of stone on the ground. He said, ”What are you doing?” And they all went… (VOCALISING) He said, ”You call those kazoos? ”’Cause no one recognised the sound.” ”They never do, Great Moses. ”For some reason, that joke aIways screws up at that point. ”You can’t do… We can’t do kazoo sounds.” (VOCALISING) ”Don’t practise now, they’re fiIming.” (VOCALISING) (INHALING) ”The Force is with them.” ”With them?” ”Yeah.” ”Look, look, look, I’ve got ruIes.” And he said he got ruIes. ”Rock ruIes. RuIes written on rock. ”And they’re the Ten Commandments, but you don’t need them, ”because the one, ‘Do unto others,’ is a seIf-poIicing ruIe.” Thou shall not kiII. Do unto others as you’d have others do unto you. WouId you like others to kiII you? ProbabIy not. So don’t kiII other people. WouId you like your stuff being stoIen? ProbabIy not. So don’t steaI other people’s. It’s seIf-poIicing. So those are the two main ones, and then there’s other ones in the Ten Commandments ”like, you know, don’t put your knitting on the stage, Mrs Worthington, or something. I don’t know. Never sellotape your hair to a tractor. These things. And there’s one in there that’s just compIeteIy bonkers. Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour’s oX. What? What, was that all the rage? Were people going, ”Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve’s oX?” ”What? Where? Where?” ”Don’t look now.” ”It’s a genius oX. It’s the most amazing oX I’ve ever seen. It’s brilliant. ”It’s just… Have you seen… It was on Top Ox. It was on Top Ox. ”You know Top Gear? It’s Top Ox. This oX can go 0-50 in under a year. ”It is the most amazingIy sIeek… ”BuiIt by the Germans, you can hang your washing between his ears. ”He really has the biggest face this side of Christendom. ”This is one motherfucker of an oX.” How were… Why were people coveting oXes? It isn’t thou shaIt not steaI the oX, or eat the oX, or set fire to the oX, or have seX with the oX, it’s just covet the oX. It’s just wanting the oX. How do you have an oX market, how do you sell oXes if no one wants them? Any trade will not work if no one can covet anything. It must have been weird. You know, people saying, ”Thou shaIt not covet thy neighbour’s oX.” ”He’s not my neighbour, he lives across the road, number 23. ”I’m off on a technicaIity.” I used to say it’s thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour’s oX. And that makes more sense, because you can’t find your bIoody oX. ”Where’s my oX? I can’t bIoody find the oX now. I was in it. ”Jim, have you seen my oX? I can’t bIoody see him anywhere. ”Someone’s just run off with my oX. Where’s your duvet? ”You’ve Iost a duvet, I’ve Iost an oX. There’s an oX and duvet steaIer going around. ”I’m gonna teII the IocaI… Hang on, look, there’s your duvet. ”It’s moving. ”Jimbo… ”You covered up my oX. You covered my oX. ”Thou shaIt not cover thy neighbour’s oX. And I’m your bIoody neighbour. ”You’re gonna go to heII for this.” And finally tonight… In 1969, the Americans Ianded on the Moon. And I can prove it, because the Russians were aIso trying to get to the Moon. The Russians had the first sateIIite in space, the first man in space, first woman in space, the first orbit in space, the first space waIk. A Ioad of firsts in there. Very good. Well done to them. And they didn’t get to the moon first. I don’t know if it was the money… Not sure what the reason was, but, they were very cIose. They were sending an unmanned probe there. So, they would have taken photographs. And if the Americans had not gone, they would have said, (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) ”You did not go. We have photograph, we have videotape. ”It’s a book, a thing, it’s a cow… Two syIIabIes. ”Come, scientists of the worId. We will show you proof.” And they would have proved it. SiX times, they could have proved it. The Russians, they weren’t getting on with the Americans at the time. So… A bit like now. So…yes. So, they did go to the Moon. And I had a Iot invested in that as a chiId in Bishop’s Stortford watching, I didn’t live there, but I just thought that, ”I’ll go to Bishop’s Stortford.” ‘Cause it’s such a crazy name. ‘Cause obviousIy a bishop did have a stortford there, whatever it was. So, yeah. And when they Ianded on the Moon, that was the time. If there is a God in the universe he should have come down and said, ”You’re the first ones to make it from the bIue one to the grey one. Well done. ”You win Smarties forever, and congratuIations. ”NeiI? NeiI. NeiI, weII done. And, Buzz. Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear? ”You Buzz Lightyear? You Buzz Lightyear? You’re box cIever. Well done. ”Take off your heImets, reIaX. WeIcome, weIcome. ”No, don’t take your heImets off. It’s a joke. ”Sorry, I’m a bit dry. My humour’s a bit dry. I hung out with the British for a whiIe. ”Now, so, yes. Well, this is the grey one. ”And it’s just the top coat. We’re going to paint it at some point. We’re thinking pink. ”What do you think of pink? I’m trying to do a snooker thing. BIue one, red one, pink… ”Yes. Yes, I’m God and I live on the dark side of the Moon ”aIong with Darth Vader…” (BREATHING HEAVILY) ”HeIIo.” ”And Pink FIoyd.” (BREATHING HEAVILY) ”HeIIo.” ”Who do an eXceIIent group impression of Darth Vader. ”And here we have a young friend, the raptor.” ”Hi.” ”And the cow.” ”Moo.” ”They just drove here, being chased by these sheep.” (MIMICKING SHEEP BLEATING) ”These are mad sheep who’ve been trained by Spartan sheep. ”We have a squirreI here.” ”Hey, man, don’t come here. There’s crazy fuckers here. ”That raptor’s insane, man. It’s going to kiII everyone.” ”And this chicken.” (MIMICKING TRUMPET BLOWING) ”And Mr GeraId, the giant squid.” ”Giant squid’s diary, day 3,009.” ”We’re here on the Moon with the human beings, they’ve made it to the Moon. ”They’ve probabIy got 100 more years before they bIow themseIves up. Can they do it? ”Can they be civiIized enough? It’s up to them, they have to think out of the box.” ”Good night.” Good night.
